Hello Mom… Are you in there?

 

I can remember like it was yesterday- well it probably happened yesterday too but getting back….. I can remember like it was yesterday and I was a young girl and my mother would say something that sounded so idiotic I was almost embarrassed for her even though we were alone. My mother is an intelligent, well educated and successful woman- she was then, still is.  These comments, some commands- sent chills up my spine and the little blond hairs on my arms stood at attention. 

What’s funny about these little quirky comments or idiosyncrasies my mom said and displayed is that I really couldn’t tell you what they were specifically a few years ago. I was just your average woman in her early thirties raising a cute little girl (who I would never dream of saying idiotic things to or embarrassing the way I had been) and while I recalled my mom was a little odd and embarrassing at times, who knows why that was- it was over 20 years ago. All I was sure of is that I am a “cool” mom- my hair will always look great when I go to her birthday parties, I will always stay slim, drive a “cool” car, I will always make my daughter feel proud to have her friends over and not say silly comments to embarrass her.

That was until my cute little girl decided to hang her pig-tails up and grow a set of horns on top of her halo! I don’t know who flipped the hormone switch in this girl but watch out!  My sweet doodle bug has gone full blown coo coo for CoCo Puffs.  From lies to manipulation, mood swings to tantrums ( all the qualities that I could at one time find in my ex-boyfriends), this girl has got her “Sassy Ass” on! Giddy Up!!!

Low and behold, it’s like a ghost from my past, what the F*$*&^k did I just say and where have I heard that before? Oh yes. It’s happening. I have been possessed by my mother during my fits of rage with my daughter. The words just fly out- it’s amazing. Did I just do that embarrassing eyeball roll while chewing on ice? Did I just imitate Fresh Beat band for my 2 and 3 year olds to make them laugh and get the look of death from my little tween?  It’s like my mom knew when she was saying these dumb comments to me or acting like a goof and I would quietly make fun of her for sounding so “nerdy,” that one day I would find myself saying the same things to my little demon girl.

Now I find myself cringing when I hear myself tell her to please not use the word “butt” – call it a fanny or a tushy. I say the word “sucks” all the time yet I have recently told my daughter only trashy people use that word. Please don’t say the word fart, I will explain there are a variety of other words that are much better- like windy pop. (OMG, she will get her ass kicked if she actually uses that word at school). My mom used to use this expression, “What am I ? The cat’s aunt?” To this day, I think it sounds ridick yet I am now I user of the ridick saying. Did you ever think you would address anyone “young lady?” “Did you brush your teeth? Come here and let me see.” “Honey, you can’t wear those, you look like a little hooker.” I know nice. I tried explaining to my daughter the other day she couldn’t wear daisy dukes in public was because when you bend over, everyone can see your va-jay-jay. I know that permanently scarred her forever. Va-jay-jay? I mean….

Yeah. I know… give me a martini, dentures and a walker now.  Couldn’t stand when my mom would tell my friends about how she was so cool as a kid, blah blah- Now I find myself nudging childhood friends in front of my daughter saying, “Tell my kid I was cool.”  HA!

My mom did teach me a lot of great things through her repetitiveness too- it wasn’t just the annoying babble that wouldn’t take a break and has now returned to haunt me in the form of haunting my daughter. She used to tell me when I was having a hard time with the girls in middle school, “Tracy, you have to be a friend to have a friend.” That stuck. I live by that. Something else my mom said throughout the years that I eventually tuned out (probably after the 350,000th time) was that I would never understand a mother’s love until I myself become a mother. Well, here I am, Mom, a mom. 4 times. I get it. You’re still a little nerdy to me but what really SUCKS, is that I am too.