A Boob Toon

Do your boobs hang low? (Um, yes, 4 kids…. think south)

Do they wobble to and fro? ( I am unclear as to where they wobble to and fro but yes, they do)

Can you tie them in a knot? (Apparently, I cannot tie them in a knot but I do get knots in them…Like Mastitis. Read below.)

Can you tie them in a bow? (um, no bows thanks)

Can you throw them o'er your shoulder (I dream of this concept. Imagine, you have your toddler in the sling wrapped on your back or the backpack for kids and you can just sling your boob back there like a straw for them to have a few quick sips from.  I have 4 kids and my breasts ability are certainly seeing the stretch but I am not close enough for this action. Would love to hear from a mom who can)!

Like a Continental Soldier? (hmmm, nothing funny to say here).

Do your boobs hang low? (Yeppers, as mentioned)

Do your boobs hang high? (Perhaps as I reflect on pregnancy boobs, ahhh…. yes, they stood at attention and looked fab…. for an hour before I became  humungo)

Do they reach up to the sky? (No, but living in South Florida, I see a lot of boobs that do that and I must say, I am not a fan).

Do they wrinkle when they're wet? (yes like Raisinettes. Look, this blog says it like it is … if you can’t handle the graphics, subscribe to Woman’s Daily)

Do they straighten when they're dry?( Not quite)

Can you wave them at your neighbor (my creepy neighbor waves AT them)

With an element of flavor? (I’m definitely going to go with MILK)

Do your boobs hang wide (yes)

Do they flap from side to side? (and yes)

Do they wave in the breeze (yes and tumble to my knees)

From the slightest little sneeze? (ok, so sneezing postpartum after a few kids is a whole other song… you know what I mean if you’re there…)

Do your boobs  fall off? (Soon, very soon).

Yes, there are quite a few more verses to that song but we get the point eh?

What a great lead in to what I want to share on this blog. Let’s talk tits. A couple of weeks ago, my boobs adopted a horrific case of Mastitis.  Think it sounds worse than it really is?  WRONG.  It’s worse than it sounds.  I have never in my 34 years felt such a tremendous amount of pain.  Yes, I have delivered 4 children, am a migraine sufferer and this takes the cake. Like I always say, delivering babes with an epidural is an unfair comparison to regular childbirth pain but still, it’s makes for a more dramatic example.

One evening,  I felt flu like symptoms come on and by the next morning, my left breast was extremely tender to the touch and I had an intermittent fever and absolutely NO energy. By 1:00pm, I had a 104.5 fever, severe chilling and sweating,  I could barely sit up on my own and my breast was untouchable. By 3:00pm, I was unable to walk, turn from side to side alone bed and completely incapable of caring for my 5 week old son or other kids for that matter. I am so grateful to my babysitter who was able to watch the other children while the baby slept in the co-sleeper next to me until my husband came home.  When I tell you the pain was so horrific, I reflect on this as some version of bad karma haunting me in the worst version of pain ever known to my body. Who in HELL did I piss off in my last life?

The following night and 2 days were filled with tears.  Tears from physical pain and tears from feeling inept at caring for my kids, and sadly, I even saw tears weld up in my husband’s eyes as he felt a little helpless in regard to taking the pain away (hmmm, now that I am thinking more about that, it may have been tears because we had to cancel our Aspen vacation). The baby had to be held up to my breast to feed as I clutched in pure agony to a pillow and breathed my way through the nursing session.  My husband walked me to and from the bathroom, as I cried every step of the way. He fed me. The gravity pulled at my breasts when I sat up and caused me to wince and tear for days. At one point I looked up at Rick and asked if I was going to survive (yeah- you think it’s dramatic but I beg of you to feel that pain and not WISH you were dead for a minute).  The good news for women who suffer from Mastitis, there is a very low instance, like 2-3%, that it will occur in the other breast. The bad news is- you got it… I am the 2%. So, to make matters even more magnificent, I had this in both breasts.

Apparently, I had a clogged duct and it manifested into an infection. As it progressed,  an abscess formed and when the puss drained, it caused the excruciating pain.  I had Mastitis with my third child and it hurt, a lot, but it never grew into the monster it did this time around. The symptoms presented the same initially but this time it was beastly.

I had several IV’s, 3 rounds of antibiotics (I am normally against antibiotics, however, they quickly became my dear friend). Let’s not forget my BFF Percocet- (that’s  a whole other blog… is everyone aware of what Percocet does to the traffic flow in your colon? Just think, 18 car pile up ).  My husband and babysitter were angels in getting me through this and Susan, my acupuncturist is GOD as far as I’m concerned.

It’s been 3 weeks and there is still tenderness in the affected area but it’s much better.  My little guy nursed all the way through it and never had to have a bottle- (applause please) – I give thanks to my amazing husband for waiting on me hand and foot for several days (ok, that happened before and still continues), WINE, antibiotics, narcotics, babysitters, WINE, fantastic girlfriends who don’t accept, “NO, I DO NOT NEED ANYTHING” as an answer, WINE and a week in Aspen didn’t hurt either. The wine is Aspen was particularly healing if I may add.

Girls, pregnancy has it’s ups and downs.  Full time nursing is depleting in ways I seem to forget every time I am pregnant and am begging God and the Universe to GET IT OUT.  Love, love, love the sweats all night- the continuous hot flashes, the boobs that stick to your ribs from the dripping milk all night, the dried and crunchy hair, less than desirable skin and dehydrated scales on my arms and legs- even after a half gallon of lotion after every shower…. The lack of sleep is something I have come to accept as a way of life with three kids under three but nonetheless, thank  you babies. The gi-normous grocery bill grows as I continue to eat my way through the day. The super hot nipples from pumping, the sex-a-licous smell from the milk leaking, the hormones, the ups, the downs, the blahs….

It’s all amazing. I love it all. I have no idea how women who don’t BF do it.  I have a lot of respect for mommies who get up and make a bottle every time a baby is hungry. It seems like so much work compared to whipping boob out and feeding ON DEMAND. All day long. All night long.  It comes with it’s drama, it’s work, it’s a commitment, abscesses and all, I love it and am so grateful to be able to do this.

And I love all of you for listening to me go on about it.

XOXO for now.