Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Birth, Fembots & Muffin tops

Sabbatical is over. Sorry, had to go deliver a babe.  Luke was born January 17- he was 8.5 pounds and over 20 inches- but let’s be honest- WHO really cares about what babies weigh if they’re healthy and in the normal range?  Why is it we all feel compelled to include the weight and inches on every piece of literature and in every conversation when a baby is born? Is it because we are all competing to have bigger babies?  Who’s vag had to stretch more?  Who was able to eat more steroid injected foods and pop out an 11 pound babe with a tooth sticking out? Well, for me it was definitely not about the poundage, I was 38 weeks and ready to pull Bam Bam out myself if he didn’t make an appearance (refer to previous blog post).
Some things about the hospital stay I must admit I enjoy- staying in my pjs all day and night, not having to do anything but anticipate Nurse Battle Ax with my Scooby snacks every 4-6 hours (Motrin & Percocet),visits from friends bearing gifts and flowers and of course, no other kids to tend to for a couple days. Things I can do without- well let's name them in order… THE BATHROOM, Nurse Battle Ax and friends coming in every hour the first 24 hours for some reason or another ( I mean really, do I need to sign my refusal for the flu shot for Bam Bam and me at 3am in the dark after a dose of Percocet? I could be signing my organs away for all I know). PLEASE.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to let a woman who just labored 9 hours to sleep a couple of hours?  Love having my meals delivered but I would rather eat graham crackers and peanut butter for 2 days than eat what they bring. I’ll need more Percocet for that please.
Then it’s time to return home and bring on the postpartum fun. It’s a paradox to me as to the rush we are in to deliver the baby to welcome all that we experience postpartum. As I stare in awe at my new little mini-me, and all those maternal loving thoughts flood my mind and heart, I cannot believe the pain as my uterus contracts during breastfeeding, the pain in my udders is utterly unbearable. Don’t tell me the bleeding and cracked nipples is from latching wrong! I have done this 4 times and this kid apparently came into this life to EAT (he began on the L & D table 5 minutes after birth). I could pass on the super hot mesh diapers I have to wear the first few days. Love the hot flashes and chills during the first few weeks of breastfeeding.  Nothing like showering before bed to awaken to your hair stuck to your neck and your boobs feeling like they are super-glued down with sweat and dripping breast milk. Hungry yet?  Oh, and I had a little Pitocin during labor and doc said it causes water retention for up to a couple weeks. I have yet to find my ankles. 
I’ll never forget after the first baby my husband and I had, the “Fembot” moment.  If you have nursed and been intimate with your partner shortly thereafter, you know.  If you haven’t, prepare yourself. Oxytocin is fabulous. It is a neurotransmitter synthesized by the hypothalamus at the base of the brain. During sexual activity and in childbirth, it prompts the desire to nuzzle and protect infants. Oxytocin induces feelings of love, warmth, calm, bonding, tenderness and togetherness, sexual arousal and sexual fulfillment. It is during orgasm in both men and women that oxytocin floods through our bloodstream. It also makes your tits squirt milk after an orgasm. A little advice, avoid the top position. Your husband will thank you.  Refer to my Fembot reference… remember Austin Powers? Memorable moment for sure.  My husband is still talking about it 3 years later.
Oh…. and the muffin top. The DAMN muffin top. We knew this was coming. Yet, I still would rather the muffin top as it droops over my pants and shapes me like a Bosc pear:
than third trimester pregnancy… So, welcome back teletubbie belly.  I'm going to get my friend Pilates to kick your ass.
This blog could get quite long as we list the Joys of Post Pardum Bliss.  I couldn’t be happier, however.  I am quite confident that Mother Nature plans it this way- She casts the spell of misery over a woman in the end of the pregnancy so memorable that she will be all the more grateful for baby Bam Bam upon arrival. Welcome back Fembots and muffin top. So happy to see you.


Julie said...

Congratulations, Tracy! Hopefully you'll share some photos of your new little one.

Mary Ickert said...

Your post cracked me up and brought back many memories (oh how I miss the percocet) LOL... So glad everyone is well and healthy and you still have your sense of humor which is awesome. Look forward to reading more. In the meantime get your sleep and take care of the boobies. Sending you cyber lanolin as we speak. :-)

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